Slowly getting back

Last week the Diocese of the South, Anglican Catholic Church Original Province, where Archbishop Haverland is the Archbishop Ordinary, held yet another boring Synod. We boast about how boring our synods are because we want to attract people who are accustomed to exciting synods, and cannot bear the thought of yet another interesting time. After the business is finished there is always a good time to be had by all, largely due to my parish's own Mrs. Kylander, who provides cigars and bourbon for all of the synod's synnors among the clergy.

On the final day of the synod, I was reminded of how great a relief it is to former members of either of the Two One True Churches to discover the Reason in Anglican humility about the Church Universal. We have never claimed to the the One True Church. But, as the re-posting of this, from December 12, 2006 clearly shows, I was rescued from so great an error myself held once long ago.
__________________________________

The True One True Church

My e-mail contacts keep me abreast of theological blogs, and make me aware of ongoing disputes. For example, recently the encouraging and beautiful meeting between the Pope and the Ecumenical Patriarch was used by one self-appointed Roman Catholic apologist as a springboard to attack the validity of the Metropolitan's title, and to set up an apologetic for Rome against Orthodoxy. I like to think that the Pope and the Ecumenical Patriarch would be saddened by this use of the news about such a wonderful meeting.

Nonetheless, I have decided that I agree with the Roman Catholic apologists who say the Orthodox Church is not the One True Church; and I agree with the Orthodox apologists who say that the Roman Catholic Church is not the One True Church. In this matter they both prove their points; they are both right.

On the Pontifications Blog, Al Kimmel stated it as one of his "Laws" that "any church that does not claim to be the One True Church is only a denomination or sect." I like Al, personally, but I must say that he has stopped short of the full logic of this allegedly self-evident law. We should go a step further. So here is my Law: Anyone who does not claim to be, all by himself (or herself as the case may be) the One True Church, and to possess in his person the fullness of the Catholic Church, is not a church, but only a part or member of the body.

Therefore, I am announcing now, after much consideration , that I have decided that I (as in me, myself, yours truly) am the One True Church- just me and no one else. Yep. Unless you are me you cannot enter into the fullness of the Catholic Church. I am sorry about the uncertainty of everybody else's eternal standing; but, hey, that's how the cookie crumbles.

Broken News

The following is not aimed at the RCC ... in fact...


The spread of unity
Orlando, March 2, 2011

The Most Rev. Marion Samuel, writing from his cathedral and "Quick fix" wedding chapel on Maryland's famous Route One, in his back yard, has announced that his church is seeking entrance into the new Ordinariate.

On behalf of the Ecumenical and International English Independent Old Catholic Church (EIEIO CC), we sent the following correspondence to Cardinal Kasper in 2009: "We eagerly seek Reunion with the One True Church established through Saint Peter and his successors in Rome. No doubt, by bringing all five of our church-wedding chapels, into the One Real honest to goodness Catholic Church, we will completely restore unity like it was before 1054. We await your reply, eager to grovel, if that's what it takes to be able to say with Jessie Jackson, "I am...someBODY!"

In February of 2011, Cardinal Kasper's office sent the following email to Archbishop Marion Samuel:

"As we proceed toward the erection of Ordinariates we would invite you to make contact directly with Archbishop Wuerl (and for God's sake give me a break) at the following address…" Humbly, the EIEIO CC responded with a resounding "YES", mailing a letter to Cardinal Wuerl in compliance with the correspondence received from the CDF, requesting to be a part of this wonderful reunification of the Church.

"The EIEIO CC was formed in 2008 when it broke away from...well some other outfit with a lot of letters," said Samuel. "Our website lists our full Apostolic Succession as recorded and carefully preserved on my own personal computer." On Sundays, Archbishop Marion Samuel's cathedral/ wedding chapel ($200.00 a wedding, no questions asked) holds services for the congregation consisting of his Grace's wife, three kids, next door neighbor, the family dog, and occasionally young couples about to enjoy a honeymoon.

Yes, the move towards the unity for which our Lord prayed is gaining momentum.

The charism of sarcasm

The following are re-posted in response to the hard knuckle treatment dished out to us from certain self-appointed spokesmen of one of the Two One True Churches, namely adherents to fashionable trends among Eastern Unorthodox members of the Orthodox Church. Warning: Satire is the most serious sort of silly business and should not be tried by amateurs. Do not attempt this at home.

Re-posted From Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The True One True Church

My e-mail contacts keep me abreast of theological blogs, and make me aware of ongoing disputes. For example, recently the encouraging and beautiful meeting between the Pope and the Ecumenical Patriarch was used by one self-appointed Roman Catholic apologist as a springboard to attack the validity of the Metropolitan's title, and to set up an apologetic for Rome against Orthodoxy. I think the Pope would be saddened by this use of the news about such a wonderful meeting, and the road to unity.

Nonetheless, I have decided that I agree with the Roman Catholic apologists who say the Orthodox Church is not the One True Church; and I agree with the Orthodox apologists who say that the Roman Catholic Church is not the One True Church. In this matter they both prove their points; they are both right.

On the Pontifications Blog, Al Kimmel stated it as one of his "Laws" that "any church that does not claim to be the One True Church is only a denomination or sect." I like Al, personally, but I must say that he has stopped short of the full logic of this allegedly self-evident law. We should go a step further. So here is my Law: Anyone who does not claim to be, all by himself, the One True Church, and to possess in his person the fullness of the Catholic Church, is not a church, but only a part or member of the body.

Therefore, I am announcing now, after much consideration , that I have decided that I (as in me, myself, yours truly) am the One True Church- just me and no one else. Yep. Unless you are me you cannot enter into the fullness of the Catholic Church. I am sorry about the uncertainty of everybody else's eternal standing; but, hey, that's how the cookie crumbles.

Re-posted from Wednesday September 06, 2006

Interview from 2004

I just found this paper from home (Maryland) that I had brought to Arizona with me. That year the Western and Eastern Calendars had the same dates for Holy Week. I believe that this two year old interview best exemplifies the thinking of people who see a wide gulf fixed between "East" and "West"- so wide that any attempt to acheive unity must be resisted at all costs. Wouldn't want that now would we? - Fr. Hart

Interview with Fr. Vladimir Dimitrios

Eastern Shore Press

April 10, 2004

This is an interview with Fr. Vladimir Dimitrios, priest of the One and Only Orthodox Church, located in Weston (West of Easton).

Eastern Shore Press: Fr. Vladimir, thank you for allowing this interview, and congratulations for the ground breaking of the Orthodox Church your new congregation is building here in Weston.

Vladimir Dimitrios: Thank you.

ESP: Father, my paper wanted me to interview you because, as you are the only Orthodox priest we can find anywhere around here, you have been elected to be our paper’s expert on all matters Orthodox. I am sure you can see how practical that is.

VD: Yes, and I applaud your sense of practicality.

ESP: As you know, this year, the Western and Eastern Churches are holding Easter on the same day, something that has not occurred in living memory.

VD: Properly speaking, there are no Western churches, not really.

ESP: Well, let’s get back to that thought later. Father Vladimir, on this special holiday do you have a message to give to the people who read this paper? Something about the true meaning of Easter? A message about Christ and the Gospel?

VD: That’s not what matters.

ESP: What? Well, Father Vladimir, in your own words, can you tell us what it is that matters?

VD: Yes. We’re not Western. That’s what matters.

ESP: But, don’t you and the Western churches, the Catholic Church for example, preach the same Gospel?

VD: No.

ESP: Don’t you believe in the same God?

VD: Belief in God has never been a central doctrine of the Orthodox Church.

ESP: Wait a minute! I know you- why just six months ago you were an Episcopal priest at St. Cuthbert’s. You were called the Rev. Mr. Roger Brown!

VD: We never speak of those days.

ESP: But, you’re a recent convert. Who made you an expert?

VD: The newspaper did.

ESP: Oh, that’s right. But, are you sure you speak for the Orthodox Church? Are you really a proper representative of the Orthodox Tradition?

VD: Look, I’m wearing a black Cassock, aren’t I?

ESP: Well, yes.

VD: And look at this beard- not a goatee, or even a silly little beard like Errol Flynn wore in Robin Hood. This is a big bushy beard. How can you be more Orthodox than that?

ESP: We wouldn’t know.


______________________

Monday madness

A warning to the "clothes horse" Anglo-Papalists out there: What you see in the following video (by clicking the link below) is NOT cool. So, please don't ask where you can buy any of these get ups.

Fellini's Roma Church fashion show.

My Favourite Things (spelling indicates a Brit author)

The following came from someone as a comment to the Shrove Tuesday Ritual Notes post. Inasmuch as you better had get all the laughs and Alleluias out of your system now, I though it best to post it separately today. It was written by one of my favorite writers, a prolific fellow who has been at it for centuries trying his hand quite successfully at both lyrics and music.

A Few of My Favourite Things
to the tune from the Sound of Music song of the same name by Rogers and Hammerstein.
(in honour of Shrove Tuesday)

Sackcloth and ashes,
and days without eating,
Mortification and wailing and weeping,
A hair shirt that scratches,
a nettle that stings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Penitence, flagellants, memento mori,
Spending nights sleeping on rocks in a quarry,
The sound of a cloak'd solemn cantor who sings,
These are still more of my favorite things.

Tossing and turning and yearning I'm spurning,
Passions aflame like an ember day burning,
Corpus and carnis and wild drunken flings,
Forsaken are they for my favorite things!

When it's Christmas,
When the tree's lit,
When the cards are sent,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I can't wa-a-a-a-it till Lent.

-Anonymous

Ritual Notes for Shrove Tuesday

I searched for this and found it. The following was posted on a blog called Anglo-Catholic Ruminations in 2006, but it is older than that. I remember almost falling off my chair laughing the first time I read this. - Fr. Hart

In certain neighborhoods, the solemn pancake
procession will of necessity pass by a restaurant
whose specialty is pancakes, flapjacks, or crepes.
Extraordinary means are not to be taken to avoid this
situation, unless a detour would add dignity and not
unreasonable length to the route. Traditional
ceremonies are to be observed while passing before
such an establishment.

Following the Shrove Tuesday Solemn High Choral Sung
Mass, the solemn procession forms at the head of the
aisle, and the sacred ministers are supplied with
their birettas. The celebrant also receives a large
platter of steaming-hot buttermilk pancakes; the
deacon and subdeacon take up large pitchers of maple
syrup. Acolytes with large forks and spatulas attend
the sacred ministers. Following the deacon's versicle
and the people's response, the thurifer leads the
procession through the nave and narthex and out to the
street.

The choir accompany the procession with appropriate
antiphons, responsories, and plainsong hymns, such as
the Corpus Christi introit, Cibavit eos: "He fed them
also with the finest wheat flour, and with honey from
the rock."

The thurifer with his censer will lead the solemn
outdoor procession. Two bacon strips are draped over
the thurible. When the restaurant is sighted by the
verger, he shall signal to the acolyte, who shall ring
the bell thrice. The procession shall continue, but
the serving of pancakes shall cease until the
restaurant has been passed by. On hearing the bell,
the clergy and lay ministers in procession shall turn
their heads so as to face the establishment directly
whilst they continue forward. Upon a single stroke of
the bell, all shall stop and turn to face the
restaurant. The sacred ministers shall remove their
birettas, taking care not to drop the syrup pitcher as
they do so. The sacred ministers shall then
double-genuflect, first bringing the right knee to the
ground and then the left knee to join the right one on
the ground. The celebrant shall then incense the
restaurant with three double swings. All others shall
bow low. The celebrant shall chant the collect for
Shrove Tuesday. This completed, all shall rise, and
the celebrant shall cover with the biretta and resume
the pitcher. A single stroke of the bell shall signal
the resumption of the procession, all resuming
birettas.

After the station at the restaurant, the procession
turns left, encircling the Unitarian-Universalist
Church next door, as a gesture of hospitality and
ecumenism. Traditionally, the UU minister joins the
procession dressed in a simple cassock-alb and bearing
a large bowl of flower petals gathered by UU
parishioners; these are added to the pancake plates as
a lovely garnish and a reminder of the oneness of
creation with Creator. (A secondary but salutary
effect of the procession in the early years was the
reconciliation of the neighboring Episcopal and UU
churches following the previous year's Trinity Sunday
outdoor solemn procession, which had encircled the UU
church three times to the increasing outrage of the UU
minister and congregation.)

The procession moves south from the UU church down
past the rectory, where a station is made and the
antiphon Sacerdotes Domini chanted.

Finally, having given up the pancake-serving utensils,
the sacred ministers, vergers, acolytes, and servers
proceed to the church and all enter for the Solemn Te
Deum and Benediction. After Solemn Benediction of the
Blessed Sacrament, pancakes are served in the church hall.

This just in from Rev. Canon John Hollister

ETHNARCH PAVES WAY FOR ROMANS TO ENTER CHURCH

Anglican Body Invites Organic Reunion

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, Nov. 1, 2009 (VeriZen) -- The Roman Catholic Church will now be able to reenter full communion with the Anglican Church while preserving post-Reformation elements of the Roman spiritual and liturgical tradition.

This policy has been established in amendments to the Constitution and Canons of the Holy Catholic Church of West Glastonbury adopted at its International Synod which concluded yesterday, its head announced today.

This responds to requests from Romans isolated by the schism of Pope Pius V, who have expressed wishes to return to the fullness of the Catholic Faith, particularly as the Roman Communion continues to propagate guitars, praise music, mistresses of ceremonies, and numbers of persons in street clothes milling aimlessly about its altars.

An unknown number of Roman clergy and laity have made such requests.

These new provisions were announced at a press conference in Las Vegas today, offered by His Beatitude Metropolitan Maximilian Pickelhaube, Ethnarch and Primate of All Nevada.

A statement from the Ethnarch explained that with these amendments, “the Holy Catholic Church of West Glastonbury has introduced a canonical structure that provides for such corporate reunion by permitting Roman Catholics to return to the Anglican Church from which they split 439 years ago, while preserving the organizational structures in which they have been worshipping, which will allow former Romans to reenter full communion with the Catholic Church while preserving elements of the distinctive Roman spiritual and liturgical patrimony.”

Initially, these groups of Romans will be overseen and guided through their existing dioceses and episcopate. Future leaders will be chosen according to the Apostolic model, by those dioceses’ clergy and laity. It is expected that many, if not all, of those future leaders will come from among former Roman clergy.

Unmarried priests

The statement from Ethnarch Pickelhaube explained that the Constitutional amendments “provide for the reception as Catholic priests of unmarried former Roman clergy without reordination. Although their ordinations since 1570 have been irregular, having been conferred in schism from the rest of the Western Church, once they return to communion with that Church their Roman Orders can nevertheless be recognized as valid under what is known as the Apostolic Cure.”

It clarified that “Scriptural reasons normally preclude the ordination of unmarried men as clergy in the Catholic tradition but historical and ecumenical reasons dictate a period of transition as former Romans recover the fullness of Catholic faith and practice Thus, the new provisions stipulate that the leaders of the former Roman dioceses remain in place but, upon their deaths, retirements, or resignations, that they be replaced by married clergy elected by those dioceses.

As to future clergy, the statement explained: “The seminarians and existing clergy in the former Roman dioceses will be free to remarry, thus accelerating the recovery of Apostolic practice. Seminarians may continue to be prepared in previously Roman institutions, which must immediately make provisions for married student housing. In this way, the Constitutional amendments seek to balance on the one hand the concern to preserve the worthy Roman liturgical and spiritual patrimony and, on the other hand, the concern that these groups and their clergy will be reintegrated into the Catholic Church.”

Worldwide

The Ethnarch’s statement said the Constitutional amendments provide a “reasonable and even necessary response” to what he called a “worldwide phenomenon.”

It offers a “single canonical model for the universal Church which is adaptable to various local situations and equitable to former Romans in its universal application.”

Over the past 30 years, many individual Romans have already entered into full communion with the Catholic Church.

Sometimes there have been groups of Romans who have entered while preserving some “corporate” structure, the Ethnarch’s statement noted, offering the example of a Roman parish in Tadzikistan.

“In these cases, the Catholic Church has frequently dispensed from the requirement of marriage to allow those unmarried Roman clergy who desire to continue ministerial service as Catholic priests to be received into the Catholic Church,” the statement explained.

Enriched

According to His Beatitude: “It is the hope of the Holy Catholic Church of West Glastonbury that the Roman clergy and faithful who desire union with the Catholic Church will find in this canonical structure the opportunity to preserve those Roman traditions precious to them and consistent with the Catholic faith.

“Insofar as these traditions express in a distinctive way the faith that is held in common, they are a gift to be shared in the wider Church. The unity of the Church does not require a uniformity that ignores cultural diversity, as the history of Christianity shows….

“Our communion is therefore strengthened by such legitimate diversity, and so we are happy that these men and women bring with them their particular contributions to our common life of faith.”

--oo0oo--

Go West

"Go West young man."
-Horace Greeley, 1865

No one should want to come across like the east end of a west bound horse. But it happens, and all too often it happens in debate. Even theological debate can lead to this when anyone fails to heed the maxim of our blog founder, Albion Land: "Robust if polite, discussion of matters theological and ecclesiological." The problem with ignoring this rule, even more than that of causing offense, is the appearance of heading east while the horse goes west; or as a Pennsylvania Dutch farmer once observed: "Vy ist der more horse's asses dann horses?"

Therefore, I want to present Robert's Rules of theological blog debate for the benefit of young men who need to go west, provided that is where the horse is pointed. Breaking these rules causes one to lose points; not to lose them by any referees call, but in the eyes of onlookers.

Each of the following violations results in a loss of ten points.

1. No ad hominem attacks

Example:

Voice of Reason said:

I must disagree with Theocrat's interpretation of the commandment. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" cannot possibly mean that we should not fry our food in anything but "pure unadulterated vegetable oil."
2:41 AM

Theocrat said:

You are ugly and your mama dresses you funny.
2:42 AM

Notice, the response fails to actually answer the objection. Therefore, the ad hominem attack does nothing to argue one's point.

2. No repetition of a disputed point without first answering the challenge.

Example:

Voice of Reason said:

I must disagree with Theocrat's interpretation of the commandment. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" cannot possibly mean that we should not fry our food in anything but "pure unadulterated vegetable oil."
2:41 AM

Theocrat said:

As I was saying, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" means that we should not fry our food in anything but pure unadulterated vegetable oil.
2:42 AM

The weakness of this approach is that it does not fool anybody. The challenge has been evaded, not refuted.

3. No Bulverism.

For the definition, I quote from "Bulverism" by C.S. Lewis, an essay in the collection entitled God in the Dock. 1

You must show that a man is wrong before you start explaining why he is wrong. The modern method is to assume without discussion that he is wrong and then distract his attention from this (the only real issue) by busily explaining how he became so silly. In the course of the last fifteen years I have found this vice so common that I have had to invent a name for it. I call it "Bulverism". Some day I am going to write the biography of its imaginary inventor, Ezekiel Bulver, whose destiny was determined at the age of five when he heard his mother say to his father — who had been maintaining that two sides of a triangle were together greater than a third — "Oh you say that because you are a man." "At that moment", E. Bulver assures us, "there flashed across my opening mind the great truth that refutation is no necessary part of argument. Assume that your opponent is wrong, and the world will be at your feet. Attempt to prove that he is wrong or (worse still) try to find out whether he is wrong or right, and the national dynamism of our age will thrust you to the wall." That is how Bulver became one of the makers of the Twentieth Century.
Example:

Voice of Reason said:

I must disagree with Theocrat's interpretation of the commandment. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" cannot possibly mean that we should not fry our food in anything but "pure unadulterated vegetable oil."
2:41 AM

Theocrat said:

Well, that is exactly what we would expect to hear, coming from you.
2:42 AM

The weakness of this approach is explained in the quotation of C.S. Lewis, with this one additional observation of mine: Bulverism only works if those who observe the non-argument it produces happen to be outrageously stupid. Therefore, the loss of points may be doubled.

4. No attempt at diagnosis.

This breaks down into two kinds.

a) Psychological.

Example:

Voice of Reason said:

I must disagree with Theocrat's interpretation of the commandment. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" cannot possibly mean that we should not fry our food in anything but "pure unadulterated vegetable oil."
2:41 AM

Theocrat said:

Are you nuts?
2:42 AM

b) Spiritual (or moral)

Example:

Voice of Reason said:

I must disagree with Theocrat's interpretation of the commandment. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" cannot possibly mean that we should not fry our food in anything but "pure unadulterated vegetable oil."
2:41 AM

Theocrat said:

I perceive that thou art in the gall of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity.
2:42 AM


Like Bulverism and repetition, the attempt to diagnose is also an obvious evasion of the actual challenge posed by refutation.

In closing

You may have noticed that we see in these rules that points are taken away and none given. I may actually write Robert's Rules for gaining points in theological blog debate, but only if I ever figure out how that can be acheived.

1. God in the Dock: Essays on Theology and Ethics, C. S. Lewis, Walter Hooper (Editor), Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company; Reprint edition (October 1994; original copyright 1970 by the Trustees of the Estate of C. S. Lewis).

Gospel of Thomas authorship verified by scholar

After many years doubts laid to rest.

the Pandemonium Observer, March 26, 2009

The controversial "Gospel of Thomas" has long been considered the work of a third century Gnostic writer. At least it has been targeted for attack by those who oppose the trend to treat it, and countless other such works, as wrongly excluded from the New Testament Canon. In what is sure to be a controversial book, and even more controversial T.V. program on the National Geographic channel, Nabal Tonto has discovered that the writing, far from being a third century Gnostic work, was actually the writing of none other than Thomas himself.

"This ought to top the effect of the 'Judas Gospel,' the 'Tomb of Jesus', and even The Da Vinci Code itself," said Tonto; "At least I had better break even."

Tonto's discovery has been preserved from the critical scholarship of historians and archaeologists so that he can bring it directly to the public. "The people themselves ought to be able to judge the authenticity of my claims," said Tonto, "and what better way for them to make an accurate assessment than by means of a special on television?"

Along with producer Gene Pool and director Rick Shaw (the team best known for the films, Helen does Houston, and their remake of Gone with the Wind) Tonto and National Geo have made a special timed to air, coincidentally, with the upcoming Easter weekend.

Pool said, "This is a monumental discovery, one that presents a challenge to the faith of every Christian."

Tonto spent years documenting from eyewitness accounts, reliable hearsay, and studio records, that Thomas would often hide away in his dressing room between filming of scenes for Make Room for Daddy, writing his Gospel. See the evidence for yourself, and you may rightly ask if the New Testament Canon, so long defended by close-minded hard-nose Christians, has ever been complete. See it if you dare.

The Bad Vicar

It appears that some of you are not familiar with this example of evangelism. Designed, no doubt, for the instruction of godly clergy, this video shows one method of church growth. I think, by the way, that I have met this fellow somewhere. He demonstrates the error exactly opposite that of St. Skip.

From That Mitchell and Webb Look.

Sing With a Hearty Voice

Sadly, I cannot read music, so I cannot take a piece and its score and teach others to sing it. I must know the piece first, after which I can usually follow the music.

After Morning Prayer this morning, I was doing a bit of research on the internet, looking for uncomplicated Anglican chants I might learn and use as and when I have enough people to warrant singing the psalms and canticles.

In the course of my research, I encountered the following, which was good for a hearty laugh. Have a listen here.

Theology Exam

Jesus asked:

"And whom do you say that I am?"

Peter replied:

"You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied:

"Huh?"


Hat tip to my friend Dejan

Die, Heretic Scum!

I couldn't resist this. I've seen it before, but it just brings howls of laughter every time it turns up again.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Methodist or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

What has 815 in common with Jerusalem?

One of our readers Laurence Pittenger, said he couldn't help himself, but just had to write this after reading what passes for an Easter message by the CEO (I will not call her a Presiding Bishop) of the Episcopal Church. If you have a strong stomach, and want to get the maximum laugh from Laurence's poem, you can read this "Easter Message" for yourself. You can even try to see what it has to do with Holy Week and Easter. The first one to make such a connection will win 10 million American dollars, provided we can find someone to cough it up.

To the tune St. Kevin by Sir Arthur Sullivan (i.e., Come ye faithful, raise the strain...)

Episcopalians, hide those eggs!
Display that branch a-greenin'
But remember, as you do,
The season's truer meaning!
No, I don't mean Jesus Christ,
Or even resurrection,
But what we preach to take His place:
Environmental protection!

Jews and Christians are at fault
For all the world's pollution,
By their foolish rejection of
The Caananite solution!
Fertility goddesses, and the Baals,
And Love Children of the '60s,
Were right instead -- but don?t despair...
We've got your new B.C.P.s!

Here come the 'palian missionaries,
(Though not as you expected)
Sewage, not sin, is to be done in
(The H.O.B. excepted.)
Rising sea levels aren't caused by sin,
We need no Noah's arks,
For what the church should fight today...
Is hamburgers and cow farts!

Episcopalians, raise the strain,
Of your new religion:
Kick the last good bishops out,
Invite more unbaptized in! (*)
Sue the orthodox laity,
Abandon member retention,
We need to sell their buildings off...
So we can pay our pensions!


(*) For those few who might not get the reference: the bishopess of
Utah, a former Mormon, has never received Christian baptism. She is,
sacramentally, what much of the H.O.B. is theologically ?
non-Christian. And, of course, in a similarly total rejection of
Christian sacramental theology, more and more dioceses are not
requiring baptism for the reception of communion.

From Sublime to Ridiculous

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. He says it to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits.

Chambers says senators periodically have offered bills prohibiting the filing of certain types of suits. He says his main objection is the constitution requires that the doors to the courthouse be open to all. Chambers said, "Thus anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody - even God."

Read it all here.

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.

This! is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
>

Just for a laugh

I sing a song of the saints of God
From all faiths as equ'lly true
Regardless of race or color or creed
They're as worthy as me or you.
And one is a Muslim
And one is a Jew
And one is a Buddhist
And one a Hindu.
They are all of them saints of God, we presume
On God's grace for ourselves too.

Theology and Humour

Something I found over at ReformedCatholicism that I think we could all do well to read.

“Theology is the study of God and his ways. For all we know, dung beetles may study us and our ways and call it humanology. If so, we would probably be more touched and amused than irritated. One hopes that God feels likewise.”

- Frederich Buechner

“Because of piety’s penchant for taking itself too seriously, theology—more than literary, humanistic, and scientific studies—does well to nurture a modest, unguarded sense of comedy. Some comic sensibility is required to keep in due proportion the pompous pretentions of the study of divinity. When the chips pile too high, I invite the kind of laughter that wells up not from cynicism about theology but from lightness about it. This comes from glimpsing the incongruity of humans thinking about God…The most enjoyable of all subjects has to be God, because God is the source of all joy. God has the first and last laugh. The least articulate of all disciplines deserves something in between.”

- Thomas Oden

“Never attempt the task of theology without a smirk on your face and never trust a theologian who lacks one.”

- Michael J. Pahls

Bovine Linguistics

This is probably thoroughly inappropriate as a topic during Lent, but it is just too cute to pass up.

For my morning and evening offices, I follow the lectionary in the 1662 BCP. This morning's Old Testament reading was from Genesis 41, in which Joseph inteprets Pharoah's dream to be the prophecy of a famine.

In the KJV, verse two reads: "And, behold, there came up out of the river seven well favoured kine and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow."

I knew, of course, that we were talking about oxen, or cattle, here, but I had never seen the word "kine" before.

So I googled it and found the following:

Bovine Linguistics

A while back I made the discovery that cattle aren't as dumb as most people think. After many years of careful field observation, I determined that they speak a simple language, and actually have a vocabulary of over 100 words (they just get a real kick out of saying "moo"). Below is a rough gloss of Kine, the language of cattle. Note that this is one specific dialect (Wisconsin-Holstein) and that there may be substantial variations by region or breed.

Read it all here.

Sorry, I Just Couldn't Resist

There's a new hymn for the new and improved PECUSA/ECUSA/TEC, to be sung to the tune Aurelia ("The Church's One Foundation"), courtesy of VOL:

The Anglican Communion
Was mightily distressed
When bishops of ECUSA
Their heresies expressed,
And in Convention showed not
Repentance or regret,
But chose to walk their own path,
Firm in their own ways set.

Political correctness
And chic diversity --
These are our church's hallmarks,
And quite our cup of tea.
We follow where the winds blow,
We are the church of NOW.
We're new Episcopalians
And trendier than thou.

Our gospel is inclusive.
(The other one's passé.)
We welcome all the sexes,
Transgendered, lesbigay.
And though we're loudly preaching
Our relevant good news,
We are a tad perplexed by
So many empty pews.

"To God alone be glory" -
This used to be our song.
With Kathryn Jefferts Schori
It likely won't be long
Before we change our story
And sing another tune -
Not Father, Son and Spirit,
But Mother, Child and Womb.

Our church has no foundation
And Christ is not her Lord.
She is our new creation
By our own mighty word.
The Bible's too oppressive,
And morals leave us bored.
Who then is our salvation?
It's our own selves - adored.