Tuesday, December 07, 2010

The charism of sarcasm

The following are re-posted in response to the hard knuckle treatment dished out to us from certain self-appointed spokesmen of one of the Two One True Churches, namely adherents to fashionable trends among Eastern Unorthodox members of the Orthodox Church. Warning: Satire is the most serious sort of silly business and should not be tried by amateurs. Do not attempt this at home.

Re-posted From Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The True One True Church

My e-mail contacts keep me abreast of theological blogs, and make me aware of ongoing disputes. For example, recently the encouraging and beautiful meeting between the Pope and the Ecumenical Patriarch was used by one self-appointed Roman Catholic apologist as a springboard to attack the validity of the Metropolitan's title, and to set up an apologetic for Rome against Orthodoxy. I think the Pope would be saddened by this use of the news about such a wonderful meeting, and the road to unity.

Nonetheless, I have decided that I agree with the Roman Catholic apologists who say the Orthodox Church is not the One True Church; and I agree with the Orthodox apologists who say that the Roman Catholic Church is not the One True Church. In this matter they both prove their points; they are both right.

On the Pontifications Blog, Al Kimmel stated it as one of his "Laws" that "any church that does not claim to be the One True Church is only a denomination or sect." I like Al, personally, but I must say that he has stopped short of the full logic of this allegedly self-evident law. We should go a step further. So here is my Law: Anyone who does not claim to be, all by himself, the One True Church, and to possess in his person the fullness of the Catholic Church, is not a church, but only a part or member of the body.

Therefore, I am announcing now, after much consideration , that I have decided that I (as in me, myself, yours truly) am the One True Church- just me and no one else. Yep. Unless you are me you cannot enter into the fullness of the Catholic Church. I am sorry about the uncertainty of everybody else's eternal standing; but, hey, that's how the cookie crumbles.

Re-posted from Wednesday September 06, 2006

Interview from 2004

I just found this paper from home (Maryland) that I had brought to Arizona with me. That year the Western and Eastern Calendars had the same dates for Holy Week. I believe that this two year old interview best exemplifies the thinking of people who see a wide gulf fixed between "East" and "West"- so wide that any attempt to acheive unity must be resisted at all costs. Wouldn't want that now would we? - Fr. Hart

Interview with Fr. Vladimir Dimitrios

Eastern Shore Press

April 10, 2004

This is an interview with Fr. Vladimir Dimitrios, priest of the One and Only Orthodox Church, located in Weston (West of Easton).

Eastern Shore Press: Fr. Vladimir, thank you for allowing this interview, and congratulations for the ground breaking of the Orthodox Church your new congregation is building here in Weston.

Vladimir Dimitrios: Thank you.

ESP: Father, my paper wanted me to interview you because, as you are the only Orthodox priest we can find anywhere around here, you have been elected to be our paper’s expert on all matters Orthodox. I am sure you can see how practical that is.

VD: Yes, and I applaud your sense of practicality.

ESP: As you know, this year, the Western and Eastern Churches are holding Easter on the same day, something that has not occurred in living memory.

VD: Properly speaking, there are no Western churches, not really.

ESP: Well, let’s get back to that thought later. Father Vladimir, on this special holiday do you have a message to give to the people who read this paper? Something about the true meaning of Easter? A message about Christ and the Gospel?

VD: That’s not what matters.

ESP: What? Well, Father Vladimir, in your own words, can you tell us what it is that matters?

VD: Yes. We’re not Western. That’s what matters.

ESP: But, don’t you and the Western churches, the Catholic Church for example, preach the same Gospel?

VD: No.

ESP: Don’t you believe in the same God?

VD: Belief in God has never been a central doctrine of the Orthodox Church.

ESP: Wait a minute! I know you- why just six months ago you were an Episcopal priest at St. Cuthbert’s. You were called the Rev. Mr. Roger Brown!

VD: We never speak of those days.

ESP: But, you’re a recent convert. Who made you an expert?

VD: The newspaper did.

ESP: Oh, that’s right. But, are you sure you speak for the Orthodox Church? Are you really a proper representative of the Orthodox Tradition?

VD: Look, I’m wearing a black Cassock, aren’t I?

ESP: Well, yes.

VD: And look at this beard- not a goatee, or even a silly little beard like Errol Flynn wore in Robin Hood. This is a big bushy beard. How can you be more Orthodox than that?

ESP: We wouldn’t know.



Anonymous said...

I miss The Onion Dome and "Fr. Vasily."

"Was it internet forum in XIX century Russia? No, it was not! Is outrage!"



Anonymous said...

Also just found this on someone's blog:

* * *

Dear Father Vasiliy,

I have always wanted to be a nun. But lately I have been enjoying being around boys, and talking with them, and dining with them, holding hands with them, and sometimes even kissing them. The problem is, eventually I realize that I’m not really happy doing these things, and can’t imagine being married to one of these bozos for the rest of my life. And yet that’s what everybody expects me to do. People scoff at me and deride my desire to become a nun. What should I do?

Signed, Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Connecticut,

Become nun.

* * *

Dear Father Vasiliy,

My mother keeps trying to run my life. After I moved out, she insisted on selecting the curtains for my apartment, and arranging all the furniture in my living room. She calls me every day to let me know what I am doing wrong in my life, and what I should fix myself for dinner. She keeps scaring off my boyfriends because none of them can imagine having such a wretched mother-in-law. What should I do?

Signed, Fed Up in Fredricksburg

Dear Fredricksburg,

Become nun.

* * *

Dear Father Vasiliy,

Is becoming a nun really the answer to all of life’s questions?

Signed, Confused in Christchurch

Dear Christchurch,

No of course this is not only answer. Is also becoming monk, depending on one’s gender.


Your Intrepid Blogger said...

I am flattered to be mentioned (if not by name) on your blog! And a fine blog it is too. (I would rather that people didn't republish my works without permission -- I'm pretty easygoing about giving permission.)

Alex Riggle
former intrepid editor, The Onion Dome.


Joseph said...

I love the "Two One True Churches" line. Answers the question very susinctly. I ha da guy in a Spanihs Conversation class about 20 years ago, who was a very militant Roman Catholic. Any conversation would end up being about if were not RC you were on your way to eternal damnation. (Un viaje a la la playa/ A trip to the beach)
As one could imagine the "Bible-thumping" Bible-Belt Baptist types didnt like that too much.

One of the times that Atheist Secularists and 'Holy-Rollers' were united in their hatred of someone

Anonymous said...

My apologies, Mr. Riggle. Duly noted. Hope I've somewhat made up for my impropriety by advertising your new blog here and elsewhere. The Onion Dome was priceless, and glad to see Fr. Vasiliy again.

(Wait a minute! Did you ask OUR permission to kill it!? ;) )


Anonymous said...

Are the gratuitous insults of Baptists really called for? And really, I have never met anyone who thought Baptists were "holy rollers." They are pretty opinionated sometimes, but "rolling" is not something they do. The sight of the "Two One True Churches" having to be separated by police as they maul each other in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem surpasses by far any "bible thumping" I've ever seen Baptists do. You might take a look at your own church before you sound so superior.

Your Intrepid Blogger said...

As one could imagine the "Bible-thumping" Bible-Belt Baptist types didnt like that too much.

As if they don't do their fair share of exactly the same thing!

(Wait a minute! Did you ask OUR permission to kill it!? ;) )

LOL! Well said. I too like the "Two One True Churches". I always try when talking about the two churches to say things like "in the 11th century they split off from us (although to be fair they say we split off from them)". Hmm. If it's for you guys maybe I'll publish the one about the Anglican who is furious because the Orthodox won't say his sacraments are valid. Nyehehehehe....

Joseph said...

Dear Anonymous
I am not trying to come off as superior. Just making an an observation. There are quite a few "Holy Roller" Baptists I have encountered. Granted it is not usually from the First Baptist Church.

Anonymous said...

"Hmm. If it's for you guys maybe I'll publish the one about the Anglican who is furious because the Orthodox won't say his sacraments are valid."

My dear man, to say that Anglicanism's sacraments aren't valid is an outrage of the highest order. Was it really Protestantism in 16th-century England, old trout? No it was not (he says, and then takes a sip of tea, pinky finger up).


Otto said...

These have to be the most light-hearted comments I've ever read here on the Continuum.

Your Intrepid Blogger said...

New old Onion Dome story on Is Outrage!